how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I'm sobbing to NWA
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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