I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
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