if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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