yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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