I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
