If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
