he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
