the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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