I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
This is my gift to your gina
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
