I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
