Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
