the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
