If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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