I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
