Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
