Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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