I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Damn victory sex feels great
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
