i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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