I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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