I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
