She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
