Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
