I'm sorry my penis didn't work
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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