there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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