we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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