I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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