get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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