Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
