its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
