just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
