I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Randomize
