just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize