It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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