she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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