a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
