Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
