I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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