I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
