I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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