The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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