Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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