Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
