i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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