Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
