Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
