The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
