I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
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