Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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