she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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