Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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