Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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