I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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