My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
