I smell stomach acid.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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