You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
