My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
