I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
