Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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