I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You can't special order awesome
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
