Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
