I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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