they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
