It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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