My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Randomize
